Sudden Impact

His lifeless body slumped in the beaten Adirondack chair. My very meaning of life gone before my eyes. All senses seemingly disappeared. Doing my best to drag him to the ground so CPR could be preformed. Feeling the crack of his ribs beneath the first compression. How long was he there? How long had I been trying to bring life back into his body? I remember the police officer helping me roll him over to clear his airways and taking over compressions for me. I never heard the sirens of the ambulance or any other emergency crew that arrived. He was taken from me and whisked away. I would not see him again until he was an icy shell of a man laying on the hospital table. Holding his frozen hand I kissed his forehead one last time and said my goodbyes.

This was the last interaction I would have with my husband. He never knew I was there and his death was so quick that I doubt he had time to think of anything either. That night became hell on earth for me. How could the man who played with me as we kissed goodbye in the morning be gone now. How could it be that I would never get to sit next to him at the dinner table again. So many why’s and what for’s ransack my thinking. Nothing I could have done would have brought him back, it was his time. And while the memory of that awful night still haunts me I try to hold on to the good times and cherish all the wonderful times we had. He would not want me to focus on the ugliness of his death, but on what made us laugh. Tomorrow is a special memorial for all Organ and tissue donors. Through his death he was able to help one hundred people. It is a remarkable thing what science can do. So while my heart grieves I also celebrate his life.

Bitter Sweet Memories

A broken heart now torn in two

Fighting tears of remembering you

A love so strong we barely knew

That our time was short, the years too few

Of our lives once shared, now history

I’m holding on to each memory

You filled my life in so many ways

Now I barely make it through each day

I try so hard to stand tall

But I always feel like I’m going to fall

I know you want me to be strong

But life is so difficult now that you’re gone

The earth stood still the day you died

I wanted to run, I wanted to hide

So many people gathered around

Asking why you couldn’t be found

I found strength in the stories they each told

A love for you did unfold

You touched so very many lives my dear

It fills my heart with wonderful cheer

Memories are bitter sweet

But I’ll hold them dear till again we meet.

Tragic Two Months

Tomorrow marks two months since my husband died. So much of me broke on that day. He was the reason my heart beat, the joy in my song, the one I looked forward to growing old with. Now all of this is gone. Part of me feels like it happened years ago because of everything that has transpired since that awful night, yet it also feels like yesterday still fresh within my soul. I try to hold on to hope as I know he would want me to. The one thing that keeps me going is the knowing that one day when it’s my time I’ll see him again. We’ll have that dance he teased me about and we’ll laugh at the choices I made after he left me. One day we’ll both look back on our lives events and see the purpose it all had. One day can’t come soon enough, and yet, I hold on to hope. I face each day knowing I can’t survive if I wallow in grief and self pity so I take a deep breath and start my day. Maybe tomorrow I’ll shed some tears, but today I’m holding strong to the memories of the man I hold so dear to my heart. I’ll love you forever and always Teddy. All my love to you this night.

Saying Goodbye to the TaTa’s

I’m saying goodbye to the Ta-Ta’s

They served me well I must say

But now I’m afraid they can’t stay

I’m saying goodbye to the Ta-Ta’s

They were swell, they were grand

Now the swing when I stand

I’m saying goodbye to the Ta-Ta’s

Life has a way of changing course

I suppose with no boobs it could be worse

I’m saying goodbye to the Ta-Ta’s

I’ve had them for many years

Now I’m fighting through the tears

I’m saying goodbye to the Ta-Ta’s

Now I must seek deep within to see

New freedoms from just being me

I’m saying goodbye to the Ta-Ta’s

Mirror of Deception

Oh wretched mirror how I despise

The way you revealed his hidden lies

As I gaze upon you what do I see

Your mirror of truth looking back at me

Eyes cast upon you I do not dare

Look any further at his deadly glare

For what should have been I did not see

How lies could take away beauty

I fought through time pushed back the tears

For the trust now lost for so many years

For that mirror revealed a truth unknown

And now it seems you’re all alone

Built upon lies and deadly deception

You had no idea we lost our connection

But time heals wounds or so they say

I must go on forge through the day

For your painful lies woke up a truth

But I’m going strong and need no proof

That behind the mirror all I could see

Was the image of a man, not me

Fighting Monsters

Fighting monsters or so it seems

Are they real or in our dreams

I pull up the covers and hide beneath

The protection of a bed cover sheet

I muster up courage, but do I dare

Face that monster with a deadly glare

He’s under my bed I know it true

He’s out to get me and maybe you too

I find my flashlight to see what i can

Be he beast or be he man

But alas all I see

Are the remnants of a dust bunny

But not all monsters disappear

For some do leave you with life long fear

Some monsters are real in the form of man

Crippling us right where we stand

It’s hard to face that monster too

But for healing to start it’s a must to do

Facing that beast seems so unfair

I want to hide, does anyone care

You must go on, don’t give up the fight

For this is your life you have every right

To conquer that monster, that deadly sin

For its time for your healing to begin

Face that monster and you will see

What life is like when God sets you free

For you can’t be free until you face him

And by letting go your healing does begin

Inadequate yet Content

When I was a child I wanted to be a stewardess and fly the friendly sky’s. At the time I thought it was a glamorous job. I wanted to see the world or so I thought. I came close to becoming an attendant until they discovered I was only 19 years old. By the time I turned 21 I was married and pregnant with our first child. I could not envision my leaving my family to pursue my dreams any longer.

What I didn’t realize in those younger years was that it was not the job I craved but the attention of men. And not just any man, but I craved the attention and approval of my father. While on our many flights around the world my young eyes watched as my father flirted with the beautiful young attendants. Those women had his approval, now in my 50’s I realize my fathers approval is something I’ve never had. Once my aunt made a comment about my hands and my father agreed with her saying my hands were pretty. That is the closest I ever came to receiving a compliment from him.

Until I began seeking God and His approval in my life I could not see how blinded I was by my father. Every child wants to be accepted as is in their parents eyes, I was no different. To go one step further I am the spitting image of my mother and my mother received hell from my father. Although I was thin and attractive because my father always told my mother she looked disgusting I internalized that I too was disgusting. As I craved attention from men trying to fill the void my father created I began acting out sexually. I discovered most men were not repulsed by my size and as I grew older I gained weight which only confirmed everything my father said to my mother as being true in my own life.

I am now married for the third time because I failed to listen to God the second time around. This time I am with the man the Lord always intended for my life. I am fat, out of shape and pretty is not a word used to describe me, but I am at peace within myself. My husband accepts me as I am and where I am at in my life. God has given me peace about myself and has helped me to see my father and his judgements for what they are. Flawed and imperfect. I can see my father through Gods eyes and rather than blame him and feel anger towards him I feel pity. I know that my father did his absolute best according to how he himself was raised. Living in Alabama has allowed me to witness firsthand the mindset of the generations that raised him. In his eyes he has raised me better than how he was raised. And isn’t that true?, don’t we all try to do better than the generation before us?

I am thankful God has instructed believers to write devotionals and Bible studied we can easily pick up, I am thankful for the people God has placed in my life along this journey; and I am thankful for the time the Lord gave me in my car as I would drive to work. This time gave way to hearing God speak to me and guide me. Hearing from God and feeling his acceptance has helped heal me from the years of blame, shame, and guidance lt I consumed myself with. The journey is not over (in reality it doesn’t end until we meet the day of our Lord) and in many ways it’s just begun. Like an onion life has many layers and sometimes when we get into it we cry, but oh how we savor the goodness of it once prepared in our meal.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to hear my dad say he is proud of me, but God has shown me countless times that He approves of me. He has been with me even in the moments I chose not to listen. He has used my downfall to usher in healing for His glory. God has allowed my earthly father to be vacant to me in order that I press in to Him.